I had the honor of attending a memorial service for a young woman I had come to know through my work with our cancer support group. I had exchanged email with her but I only had a chance to meet her once. We spent a wonderful summer afternoon with a couple of other friends and I was enchanted by her zest for life.

She was resigned tot he fact that she would eventually lose her battle with cancer, yet instead of focusing on that she focused on life and how she was going to live what time she had left. Now this young woman had the financial resources to pretty much go wherever she wanted and do whatever she wanted. And I am sure that many of us given the same circumstances would have followed the path as portrayed in the movie "The Bucket List", trying to mark off all those exotic "to-do" items on life's list. She followed a different path. She spent her time with her family, developing meaningful memories. I recall her spending afternoons working on a pet project she called "Lunchbox Notes of Life". She purchased several old metal lunchboxes (some of us are old enough to remember actually using them). Inside she placed some personal mementos and notes for her daughters.

As part of the eulogy delivered by her minister, he said that her chief concern was that she wouldn't be around to share in the big moments of life; weddings, births, graduations, etc. Yet I never recalled a bitter word from her mouth. Instead she embraced her faith and ran with it. She shared a story that was pretty amazing.

As part of the mementos she wanted to place in the "Lunchbox" she was looking for a 1988 penny. She wanted this to be a gift to her daughter, who was born in 1988,  so that she could slip it in her shoe on her wedding day. Knowing her time was short she just couldn't seem to remember to look for the penny when she had the time. Until one day when she was walking along and noticed a penny. She picked it up and yes guessed it, the date was 1988. She placed it in her pocket. The next day she found it was she was preparing to do laundry and set it aside. The next morning she went to retrieve the penny only to be totally surprised to find a second 1988 penny. No one knows where it came from but she felt it was a message, for you see she had twin daughters, so now each had their own penny. This woman was totally convinced this was a "God Wink" , a personal message that we are on the right path and doing the right thing.

In the years that I have worked with cancer patients I have learned that faith can be an incredible ally as part of the treatment plan. I can say with certainty that my single encounter with this woman opened my eyes to many things. But what she taught me most was that sometimes the simplest things in life can have a profound impact on others that we might not even realize. Whenever I receive change the first thing I look for is a 1988 penny. And on the occassion that I find one I smile and immediately feel she's with me.

You've just been told by the doctor that you have cancer. What's you first reaction? Do you call your family and tell them? Chances are you won't. Instead you probably react like many people and decide you need some time to take in all this information and decide on the best way to "break the news to family".

 This is especially true for women since they (in many cultures) are viewed as the emotional caregivers. They seem to experience a conflict between sharing this news so that they can avoid the resentment of holding back and the risk they perceive of inflicting anxiety upon those they love.

Men seem to hold back but do they take such action for the same reason as women? Or do they use this as something to hide behind so that they don't have to face the real emotions that accompany such news.

I attended a support group meeting this week and listened as a young member shared that her father wouldn't talk at all about his cancer. She said that he opted to forgo chemotherapy because he watched as another loved one wasted away from the side effects and he didn't want his family to remember him that way.

Denial can be a strong emotion to overcome. At a recent seminar I was asked how denial impacts the cancer patient. My personal observations have shown that those in denial are never able to move forward - they are stuck in the past. While denial can be an effective coping mechanism for the short term, using it as a long term solution is more destructive than helpful.

Our need to protect the ones we love might actually be hurting them more than we know. Refusing to allow loved ones to share their fears and concerns isn't fair to them. And for those terminally ill and facing certain death it is especially cruel to shutout those that need to be close.  For the effects will last long after the funeral service.

So the next time you think you are doing the right thing by "protecting" your loved ones you might want to reconsider your stance - a broken heart may linger forever.