Right now I am lonely. I sit here in the house alone only with two fish and a dog to keep me company. My parents left for vacation and I wish I didn’t say that I would watch the house although I am learning a lot about myself.  I am learning what makes me who I am, what I like to do, and I am learning to be alone once again. I am happy but I do wish I had someone next to me to call “my love”. I know that it might be a little selfish…but everyone needs someone right? If not a loved one, a friend, or a family member? But the truth is I am not sure I have anyone… I wish I did..but I am not sure I do. Everyone says they are my friend.. .but really are they? my best friend isn't talking to me and it seems that I am the last on everyones list...

Work was good.. a big I told you so day.  I have been working on some projects that I have been starting but had to stop because the group that I represent are all not on the same page. I just wish they could get on the same page… o well.. it will happen some day.

I know that I have lived. Met the bright day with hope, the afternoon with laziness, and the night longing for something I can only begin to comprehend: love. It’s a simple four letter word, but with it add four more letters, two words, and love totally changes form. Then, with this new form it brings a deeper meaning: I love you. Four letters, one word or eight letters, three words, love and I love you, both are equally mysterious and yet gratifying. When said to us as kids, I love you, we simply uttered the same phrase back but with a little something added, too, I love you too. With the blindness to the emotions we hadn’t understood what it meant to say I love you, but it is hoped that within the passage of time we will form our own definition to these emotions, love and I love you. From the start of our creation spanning to our death we all have different opportunities and outcomes to these possibilities. It is these differences in our lives that lead to different definitions of love and I love you. These definitions that we now know have stemmed from our experiences from day to day life, as well as by the examples that have helped us from our own meaning by the actions of our parents. It is by their interaction as man and wife that we have seen what it is to say I love you and the actions that follow from love. However, if the actions seen from our parents are from hate, mistrust, or are not meant, then our definition of love and I love you, that we gather from our parents will be askew and cause unnecessary pain. But, if the actions by our parents are true and from love, then we will form our own true definition of love and I love you. In both cases it is our own actions that will lead to our own personal definition of love and I love you. Everyone in our life is a teacher, but most of all our parents. While everyone has their own definition of these emotions that they consider the truth, it is our job to listen and decide whether to accept their own personal truth as our own, deny it, or modify it to meet our own personal beliefs. Once you have found your own personal definition of love and I love you, let it change as your life goes on, because if you let the definition change, it will change you. So let love be shown in your actions so the people that you know and meet know that you too are saying I love you.

Last year was the first year I ever did anything really major for anyone else but myself... yea I volunteered here and there but to be honest I really didn't think what I was doing was worth anything. Last year I walked in the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer 3-Day here in San Francisco. 

The 3-Day event was a breath taking event. Over two thousand people walked for a single cause...to end breast cancer. 

The camp had a sea of pink tents that sprang up over night with the help of 300 dedicated volunteers.  There was a main tent that could seat all 2,000 people for a single meal and a army of cooks that cooked fresh hot meals onsite. I walked the event by myself and I made a lot of friends along the way. 

One friend that I met along the way said that he was walking for his sister who was also walking the event. She had just finished chemo treatment and would be joining him the next day. I asked him if he and his sister were close and he said they were now... but before his sister was diagnosed with breast cancer they were as distant as far as the sun is from the earth.

I asked him what caused him and his sister to reconnect and he said her diagnoses of breast cancer. Both of their parents had passed away and he was the only family she had left. He told me at first he did not know what to do… or think. It took awhile for the news to sink in… but when he understood what he had to do he told her to come to see him and he would help her all he could.

She underwent surgery to remove both breasts and then chemo and radiation to make sure all of the tumors were gone from her body. He told me that during all of her treatments he was there by her side never leaving for anything. He took time off from work to be with her.. and he told me that was the best thing he could have done.

During their time together he told me they talked about times they spent with their family growing up, funny times, and sad times…but they were all times they shared together and he would have not traded anything in the world for the time they spent together.

I later met his sister on the last in the last mile of the walk. She was in a wheel chair at the side of the road cheering her brother on to complete the walk. As I looked over her I noticed all of her hair was gone. To me she looked in pain…unbearable pain but when her brother showed up.. her face lit up like a candle.

I still see this event clear as day in my mind. I would encourage anyone how has lost contact with a loved one, friend, or family member to regain contact with them before it is to late…before untimely events bring you back together again for the wrong reasons… reasons that are beyond your control. 

 

 

I am sorry that I haven't blogged in a while. For some reason I feel guilty that I haven't because I love this site so MUCH and believe in its mission! The fact is that I got a new job and I have been trying to learn the whole work / life balance.

 My new job is in health care and I find it interesting as I am learning what people face everyday dealing with diabetes and other chronic illnesses.

 I received a tour of a hospital the other day and while I was on the tour I asked them where would someone go to find support resources and services for any illness.. the guide replied "I Dunno..." . This echoed the need for a service like A Single Light!!!!!

Than while I was exploring the hospital myself I found a health library and asked them a simple question..."Where can I find a wig for a cancer patient?" The fact is the health library knew of one or two resources in the area where I could find wigs however that was it. So then I showed them this website.... typed in wig into the search engine and I came up with over 50 organizations that offered wigs to children and adults.

As I continue my learning in health care I see there is a need the A Single Light website for any illness! I look forward to the day this site totally takes off.

So please help and do your part...pass long word about ASL to the people you know, organizations, and to hospitals.

Life has an interesting way of reminding us we are human. This week has been filled with such happiness and then all the sudden WACK right up side the head. 

So I started a new job on Monday and I must say I LOVE IT! Pays well.. full benefits, and my co-workers are outstanding... but I still feel as if something is missing from my life.  I broke up with my ex about four and a half months ago and I miss having someone to celebrate the good times with. You know that person to call late at night when yo can't sleep or when everything is JUST GOING Right.. or everything in between.  I miss that! Yea I told my parents, brothers, and friends but it isn't the same. I shared a a year and a half with her... and she knew me...and I knew her...but I didn't take the time to understand what that fully meant. 

I guess I just miss having someone close.. .and then my friend since preschool isn't talking to me... I thought friends where supposed to tell you what is wrong.. and be able to come to you and talk about it.. but I guess not. I mean really.. what is a friend if they are unable to do this very fact. This happened once before... but not any more.

LOL really.. I sound like a preteen girl who has nothing but realtionship issues... I am sorry. well its off to bed... wishing I had that one person to celebrate with.

 

  

Today has been an interesting day. I found out that I have been offered a new job, started training for a marathon, and talked with my brother that I haven't seen in years. It was a good day. 

Later in the day I went to a doctors apt and I just realized that it has been 8 years since my friend died... died in a car wreck.

Its also been one year since a friend of mine died of breast cancer. This person was diagnosed  with breast cancer at the age of 19, then another form of cancer at 23, and then breast caner took her life one year ago today. Her family was her support. Her father never left her side during her cemo treatments. He was always there until the very end. 

because of my friend that died of breast cancer and her father is why I am support A Single Light. The act by her father to always be there for her symbols what love means to me. I have always wondered if she would have maintained the VERY positive attitude that she had while undergoing treatment if her father was not there. Than I think about all of those who were / are fighting cancer alone with no one there to support them. I blog to show the people that are not there to support them that there  are individuals out there that care. I read the forums everyday just in case people join the site looking for help.  I post blogs to show this website is active. 

If you would like to join me please do so. tell your story.

And if there is anything I can do for YOU please let me know.  

Ever since the nominations for the oscars have been announced I have been I have been trying to see all of the movies that are up for best picture. So far I have seen slumdog millionaire and milk and tonight I saw the reader. For those of you that do not know what the reader is.. see it.

The main character of the film was influenced by a female when he was young (around 17) and that influence lasted his whole life.  It defined who he was and how he lived his life. He grew up, had a baby, and was married but then got divorced several years after they had their daughter. After his divorce was final he was reunited with the female that influenced him when he was a 17 year old boy. 

The Reader made me think.. who have I influenced and how!?!? Yea I am a little older, grown up, and just now beginning to wonder how I have "changed" the world so to speak.  

how can one measure the impact they have left on those around them? individuals from their past? Or their family? 

Anyone have any ideas out there? 

Everyone has days when things are bad and they don't know how to get out of it or they can't see the light. When this happens to me I look up cause that is where hope lives and I remember this poem as it reminds me of all of the things in my life that have touched my soul. I hope anyone finds this helpful for what they are going through in life. 

 

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done

by only me is your doing,my darling)

                                    i fear

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

When I was growing up I learned that my grandparentss on my fathers side both died of cancer. I was never able to meet them as they died before I was born. I would have liked to have meet them as I am sure they would have had a profound impact on my life. My grandparents on my mothers side also died before I was born as well.

 Now as I look back I am thankful for what I have, for what I had, and the things that are coming my way regardless of what ever happens. I know that I have parents that love me. I know they will always be there for me. And I know I can always count on them. That is love... and I feel it. When I was going through hard times in my life I wrote the following passage and it rings true in my life more than ever. 

 "I know that I have lived. Met the bright day with hope, the afternoon with laziness, and the night longing for something I can only begin to comprehend: love. It’s a simple four letter word, but with it add four more letters, two words, and love totally changes form. Then, with this new form it brings a deeper meaning: I love you. Four letters, one word or eight letters, three words, love and I love you, both are equally mysterious and yet gratifying. When said to us as kids, I love you, we simply uttered the same phrase back but with a little something added, too, I love you too. With the blindness to the emotions we hadn’t understood what it meant to say I love you, but it is hoped that within the passage of time we will form our own definition to these emotions, love and I love you. From the start of our creation spanning to our death we all have different opportunities and outcomes to these possibilities. It is these differences in our lives that lead to different definitions of love and I love you. These definitions that we now know have stemmed from our experiences from day to day life, as well as by the examples that have helped us from our own meaning by the actions of our parents. It is by their interaction as man and wife that we have seen what it is to say I love you and the actions that follow from love. However, if the actions seen from our parents are from hate, mistrust, or are not meant, then our definition of love and I love you, that we gather from our parents will be askew and cause unnecessary pain. But, if the actions by our parents are true and from love, then we will form our own true definition of love and I love you. In both cases it is our own actions that will lead to our own personal definition of love and I love you. Everyone in our life is a teacher, but most of all our parents. While everyone has their own definition of these emotions that they consider the truth, it is our job to listen and decide whether to accept their own personal truth as our own, deny it, or modify it to meet our own personal beliefs. Once you have found your own personal definition of love and I love you, let it change as your life goes on, because if you let the definition change, it will change you. So let love be shown in your actions so the people that you know and meet know that you too are saying I love you."